“If you have a guys’ place, you have a guys place. I have a hard time letting go of that. Maybe I’m not gonna have a choice. If you can’t handle some of the basic stuff that’s become a problem in the workforce today, then you don’t belong in the workforce. Like, you should go maybe teach kindergarten. I think it’s a respectable position.” —Donald Trump, Jr.
The following is a satirical piece written in reaction to quotes from Presidential Candidate Donald Trump, VP Candidate Mike Pence and Donald Trump, Jr.
I’m a woman, and I’m voting Trump/Pence this election season. Now, I know what you might be thinking, and the answer is: yes, I will be changing my vote if the patriarchs of my family decide to support a different candidate.
Let me explain. I have always put family first. I feel so strongly about this position that I am ready and willing to become an incubator for families around America who, due to infertility–or being in sexless marriages because of various sexual indiscretions–are unable to have children of their own.
But it won’t be easy. I’ll be competing with women in China and Mexico who, obviously, are out to get our jobs. Even the unpaid jobs we usually relegate to college interns who are shouldering the burden of crippling debt. Obviously. So I am depending on President Trump to build that wall between the US and Mexico so that the women across the border can understand that it is American women who will be blessed with unplanned pregnancies that they must carry out to term in order to disperse children upon the suburban masses.We are going to pop out those babies the way cannons popped out cannonballs during the Revolutionary War. Even if we were raped and even if we have a reasonable desire to not risk our health or lives to carry for almost ten months and birth in substandard hospitals.
And speaking of rape, sexual harassment is a problem in the workplace. I have one thing to say to the women bitching and moaning about this: TOUGH IT OUT. The Men Folk were there first, so we must be grateful they are allowing us to relish in their light for a whole 79 cents per dollar (on average). The glass ceiling might seem unpleasant, but do you know what else is unpleasant? Being the bitch who speaks up when a man “grabs you by the pussy,” or walks into your dressing room unannounced and insists you say hello, or kisses you because he just can’t help himself.
The right thing to do, in the latter situation, is to present The Man with tic tacs.
Business women like Ivanka Trump would never let themselves fall victim to sexual harassment perpetrated by The Man. Not all of us can be successful like Ivanka Trump, but we can magically defend ourselves from sexual assault, which is totally our faults anyway. And here’s how to do it.
If The Man approaches you, whisper that you don’t want it. He’ll likely ignore you because he can’t control himself, so your next plan of action is to JUST STOP HIM. That’s it, it’s as simple as that.
JUST STOP HIM.
All you need to do to stop a harasser in his tracks is to simply stop him. If that doesn’t work, shut up because it was your job to protect your virtue. If you struggle with this, become a kindergarten teacher. Because teaching kindergarten is the only safe position for a Bitch like you, and is not at all difficult. Not one bit, because teaching is easy. It may even inspire you to incubate more children.
In closing: we gonna use the nukes and burn the coal because WE ARE NOT CHINA’S BITCH. And we women are going to vote Trump/Pence and Make America Great Again, #MAGA. Because just like how we’re not China’s bitch, we will not be irreverent, intelligent, independent bitches who will destroy America with a vote for anyone else.
Unless our fathers/husbands give us permission. In which case, we may be bitches.